Scared

It's been almost 4 months now since I lost the love of my life. I might have been able to get on with life had I not injured my arm and shoulder and am facing possible rotator cuff surgery. No real help since Don is gone, a son that's 90% dependent and 5 pets to care for. Scared, in pain, I don't know what our future holds but I do know I have aged 10 years in the past 2. I will know tomorrow about the surgery. A kind friend is taking me as I can't drive and won't be able to for some time. 4-6 months recovery, all alone. Scared and depressed and in pain, and missing my love so very much. I am overwhelmed. I wish I were stronger.

Just plain depressed

Same thing every day, depression, loneliness and pain. Friends have mostly scattered living their own lives. What is the point in going on? No going forward or back. Can't drive, can't leave the house arm still hurts like hell. Useless and pointless. No real love in this world anymore. God, where are you?

The nights are long and panful....

Dr. appointment Wed, scared to death it's the rototor cuff, and that's not only paiful but crippling for weeks. How do I take care of my family? Home health care here we come.

Brenda Kay (Freeman) Nesbitt, daughter of cousin Shirley passed away Sunday, Feb. 5th. Rest in Peace with the angels, Brenda.

Another boring day

Day 10, still in pain and not able to do much and I sleep a lot. Still alone and lonely, and missing Don more today, maybe because we're forced to stay in. It's going to be weeks before I can drive. No word from anyone today and now I'm the one making the calls. When I am healed we won't be spending much time at home!

Broken!

As if things weren't bad enough, fell out of the waterbed and broke my right arm. Going to be a tough several weeks.

Just not ready

We went out today, to do some grocery shopping and banking, and I cried all the way home. Will this ever end? I got enough food to last enough days to hole up and gather my courage. It's so lonely without him, and we are both hurting terribly. Eddie seldom smiles. I HATE THIS. I have nothing that makes me happy or even satisfied. This too shall pass, I hope. Friends don't call or come around much, and I can't say I blame them. I am depressing to be around.
Until next time....

Insenstive people

We went to Walmart today, and I was ok until I ran into a friend of Don's. All he could say is "boy, he really went fast, didn't he?'
I cried all the way home, and after I got home, for hours. Can't sleep, nothing to do, no one to talk with. This is our life now, I guess. Lonely, empty and full of pain and tears and problems.
My rant for the day. I won't be going back to Walmart for a very long time.

Finding my happy place

I haven't found it yet, but getting there. I have less time being depressed and more time getting things done. I smile some, play with the dogs a little and have brief moments that I don't miss him as much. Getting out of the house is still hard, although we did do it yesterday. I still haven't been able to to to Wal-Mart, Don's favorite place. Soon, I hope. Still not sleeping much and neither is Eddie, going to bed seems a waste of time. Time. I guess that's the only answer.
God bless and keep all widows and widowers out there, I know how it feels.

Lost

Today I gathered Don's clothes to get them ready for pickup. I had to wash all of them, and every one has a memory. I held togteher until tonight, and then broke down and cried and cried.
I don't like this living alone. I don't like the emptiness and loneliness, but I guess I am a member of a huge club, my own Mom included. She was widowed at 42, after 22 years of marriage.
I suppose I will get used to it someday. Right now it just hurts so very bad.

Now comes the hard part...

I am working at cleaning out the house, especially the basement where his clothes and tools are. Letting go of these things means he's really gone, but I can't hang onto them or I will never heal. It takes all I have to do these things, and afterward the deep depression moves in.
I have to make this house mine, not ours, and to do that I have to get rid of things. I have no idea where to go with them. Donate, give away, throw away? It's not comforting to see these things, it hurts. Maybe once they are gone I will feel better.
I still don't get out, and my nephew and his fiance are doing my shopping for me in bits and pieces.
I am physically stronger than a week ago, so maybe I can get out soon. I just didn't want to face the holiday crowd.
I need a good night's sleep, that means going to bed alone with my dogs and getting to sleep at a decent hour and getting up earlier. It takes me 2-4 hours to wake up.
I know I have to make a small start at moving on, one baby step at a time but for Eddie I can and will do it.
I love you, Don, forever.

Blue Christmas

I know you've heard the song, and it speaks true. We had a blue Christmas without our Don. No friends, no family, just us. We ate sausage, eggs & hash browns for dinner. No turkey or ham for us. It's hard for me to get used to cooking for only two.
It isn't Christmas anymore for us, just an empty day. Eddie didn't smile once today. I wish I could take his hurt inside me just to see him happy and smiling. I know he gets so lonely.
Tomorrow I will try and get him out of the house, if nothing else to shop a bit. I have to break the agoraphobia sometime. I tried to keep busy cleaning, and it did take up some of the empty time but it's a huge job, house, garage, shed, basement. So many things to get rid of. Dogs are sad and moping, we all are. 7 weeks now.
We miss you so, love.Merry Christmas, wherever you are. I love you always.

Humbug

The season is upon us, and while most people are gathering with family and friends we find ourselves alone. No family, friends are far away, and our main reason for having a happy Christmas died almost two months ago. It just isn't fun anymore. I can buy Eddie things, and he knows it's Santa's time but not really aware of Christmas as it used to be.
I have let myself get weak, lost a lot of weight, having some heart problems. I have to change that, Don wouldn't want me to do this to myself or to Eddie, but Eddie is being taken care of just fine. He's not wanting to eat, and keeps saying "right back" which means he's waiting for Dad. He cries sometimes, we both do.
Now to concentrate on gaining some weight and strength, to make myself get up and do things, to go out to the grocery store, and to try and get more rest. Not sleeping, but resting seems to help.
Learning to live alone, with all the responsibilities being mine is hard to deal with, and overwhelming to say the least.
Bored with television, I am trying to read my Nook at night to get sleepy but it so far hasn't worked.
Being with someone that fixed things, built things, took care of us and then he's gone, just gone, and I find I am not as strong as I thought. Just can't seem to care if the floors are vacuumed, or the dishes put away, or the laundry caught up. I will get there. It's only been seven weeks, as compared to 28 years.
Oh yes, and quit smoking. They don't taste good anymore.
Hope you and yours have a great Christmas and New Year.

Coming down

Trying to get off the meds, all but the anti-depressant and I will need that awhile. Getting off Ambien is terrible but the side effects were much worse. So what if I don't sleep? I can always do laundry! Evenings are long and lonely, better if I get a call. Eddie and I are both bored, and it can only get worse with Winter at our heels. We miss Don so much, and it's so painful to talk about him. Even my great-niece can't talk about him, she loved him very much.
Overwhelmed with the house, with repairs, cleaning, getting rid of things. I guess time will help me out, for right now I sit and try to watch tv or go online, at least I feel connected to the outside world.
This really sucks.
I will honor my husband's memory in my own way and in my own time. I will not sit around and cry, or recall all the good times, not yet. They creep in sometimes and I have to get up and do something to keep busy or call a friend.
Everyone handles grief and loss in their own way. I want to go on living. Crawling into a tear-filled hole isn't living.
Don, if you're listening, if you are in a good place, I love you with all my heart, but my life isn't over and I know you wouldn't want it to be. Be at peace, my only love.

From a friend on Inspire

Understand that my world had fallen apart. My world, my life, is no longer secure. Don't run from my tears. I cannot control them. I'm not made of stone. Grief comes at me in waves and when it hits, it hits hard. I never know when a wave is coming and I just have to ride it out until the waters calm. You don't need to say anything. You can't make it better no matter how much you might want to.


Please talk about my husband. It's not going to bring him back. I know this but it's more of a comfort to cry than to pretend that he never existed. I need to talk about him and I'm sorry if I repeat myself. My brain doesn't process things quite the way they used to. Don't be afraid to mention his name. You can't make me cry. The tears are here and I will love you for allowing me to shed them when I need to.

Just don't abandon me. Please don't act like I have some contagious disease. Don't be afraid that you're going to upset me. Grief isn't catching. My world is painful, and when you are too afraid to call me or visit or say anything, you isolate me at a time when I most need to be cared about. If you don't know what to say, just come over, give me a hug or touch my arm, and gently say, "I'm sorry." You can even say, "I just don't know what to say, but I care, and want you to know that."

Just because I look good does not mean that I feel good. Only ask me how I'm doing if you really want to know. Please stop telling me, “You're so strong”. I am not strong. I alternate between numbness and overwhelming moments of grief. When you tell me how strong I am I feel like you don't see me at all. Please don't tell me what I “have” to do. I know I need to eat more. I know I need to sleep. I'm grieving, not stupid. Understand that there are times when I cannot physically force myself to eat because food tastes like cardboard and if I'm able to swallow it, it just sits like a lump in my stomach. Realize that there are nights when my mind races and memories haunt me so that I cannot sleep. Eventually, I will be able to eat more than a few mouthfuls of food and I will be able to sleep for more than minutes at a time.

This is not something that I will heal from. This is not a cold or the flu. I'm not sick. I'm not depressed. A pill can't fix this. I'm grieving and that's different. The worst of my grieving may only begin months after my husband's death. Don't set time limits on my grief. It may take six months or six years for me to function properly again.

I am not only grieving his death, but also the person I was when I was with him, the life that we shared, the plans we had for our future. The places we will never get to go together, and the hopes and dreams that will never come true. His smile. His laughter. His kiss and his touch. My whole world has crumbled and I will never be the same. Together we built a life together and I loved our life. He chose me to share his life with him and to be his wife. He didn't choose to die.

I will not always be grieving as deeply as I am right now, but I will never forget my husband and rather than heal, I want to incorporate his life and the gift of love we shared with one another into the rest of my life. He is a part of me and always will be, and sometimes I will remember him with laughter and other times with tears. Both are okay.

I don't have to accept his death. Yes, I have to understand that it has happened and it is real, but there are some things in life that are just not acceptable. To me, the loss of my husband, the love of my life, isn't acceptable.

When you tell me what I should be doing, then I feel even more lost and alone. I feel badly enough that my loved one is dead, so please don't make it worse by telling me I'm not doing this right. I don't even understand what you mean when you say, "You've got to get on with your life." My life is going on. I've been forced to take on more than it feels I can bear some days. It may not look the way you think it should. My new life that I never wanted will take time for me to adjust to and I will never be my old self again. So please, just love me as I am today, and know that with your love and support, joy will slowly return to my life. But I will never forget and there will always be times that I cry.

I need to know that you care about me. I need to feel your touch, your hugs. I need you just to be with me, and I need to be with you. I need to know you believe in me and in my ability to get through my grief in my own way, and in my own time. Please don't say, "Call me if you need anything." I'll never call you because I have no idea what I need. Trying to figure out what you could do for me takes more energy than I have. If you think of something...just do it. If you want to call me then just call...don't think that you are bothering me. Ask me more than once to join you at a movie or lunch or dinner. I may say no at first or even for a while but please don't give up on me. Right now there are some days when it is all I can do to get out of bed in the morning. Some days even showering seems too big a chore. But don't give up on me. Somewhere, in time, I may be ready and if you've given up on me then I really will be alone.

Feeling really down...

I guess most people must be tired of hearing my grief and loneliness, people have stopped calling or coming around. I guess some of them don't know what to say, and I suppose I understand that to a point. But we don't have to talk about my husband or my grief, there are a million other things to talk about and maybe it would help me through the bad hours.
My worst time is evening. It stretches on forever, empty of his vitality and humor, and just his presence.
Day by day, but for the last several days it hasn't been better. Winter is hard, can't get out, have to stay locked away in the house. I don't even feel like cleaning the house or doing the laundry, and some days are spent in robe and pajamas.
There has to be a solution to this, it's eating me up and hurting my son. He can't stand to see me cry.
Tomorrow is another day, tonight is another night without sleep.

Bad day again

The loneliness is so bad tonight, can't sleep, crying, too late and too cold to go out. It's too quiet here, and empty. I made the mistake of looking at photos of Don, and have been down since then. I knew almost 2 years ago that we would lose him, but I didn't know how very awful it could be. Few people call. I get some emails, but it's not a voice. I don't know how much longer this can go on.
I have to go off my anti-depressant as it's killing my appetite, may as well go off all meds at once. I don't know if I can, I will taper slowly but still it's hard.
God, I miss my husband.

Trying to move on a little....

I made shakes tonight with Instant breakfast like Don used to make for us. It was hard, but Eddie and I need the nutrition and energy for the cold weather coming. I will get out tomorrow, unless Eddie is still sick. He's depressed and keeps asking for Daddy, and getting him out might do some good.
Have to go off the anti-depressants a little at a time, they might be what's killing my appetite. Down again to 118 1/2.
Thanks to my friends that call, it means the world to me to have normal conversation.
Baby steps, one at a time and I will get there.

Change?

I have decided to shake things up a bit in the way I do things, and hope that makes a difference. New bedtime, late, because I can't sleep. New grocery store where we didn't shop together, different foods.
Some people have told me it's time to move on, get on with my life. He WAS my life, how do I do that? I cry when I talk about him, but it always seems to come down to that.
Keep busy, if I can. Evenings are terrible. Lonely and empty and very long.
I am not ready to face happy Christmas shoppers. We won't celebrate it this year, and I don't feel the spirit of the season without him.
I am lost.

Every day is different

Today was a terrible day. Cried all day. Miss my husband. I don't want to be alone. The world has forgotten us, no one calls or comes around, only emails that make me cry even more. No one to look after us if we get hurt. I fell all the way across the dining room, bruised both legs up and down, twisted my ankle, back and knee, and had to hobble out to the kitchen to sit down. Out of everything. No food, no meds, how much more is God going to throw at us? I just want to sleep until the pain goes away.

Finding a new normal

He's gone. We have to face that and go on, and find a new normal for us. I will never stop loving him or missing him. But our lives must go on, in spite of our loss and lonliness. We will be going out to pick out the stone next week with the help of our best friend Gary, and maybe that will help. He needs to be honored the best way I can, he was an amazing man. The best thing that I can do for him now is try and pull myself up and go on, take better care of myself so I can care for our son.
Goodnight, my only love. Rest in God's warm embrace and know how much I love and miss you.

Empty days

People don't seem to understand how I can go from living with a companion of 28 years to silence. The only company I have is my darling Eddie and my pets. No conversation, no noise of someone else in the house. It's lonely.
Since I have been sick with flu I have had one person help me out without asking; my sister-in-law went and bought my groceries for us. Bless her heart, she's a great gal.
I still sleep a lot, watch junk tv, read my Nook. Getting stronger, but I haven't driven for a week or more. I guess I am getting more used to being alone.
It's been one month to the day that I lost my husband. Minute by minute, tear by tear I seem to be a little better. Maybe I was meant to be alone with my angel and earn my way.
Still sick, dizzy and off-balance but half the town has this virus. I am trying to eat more, build up my strength.
Best friend Gary is helping get the stone ready but I must hurry before the ground freezes.My last goodbye.
I hate not having someone to share my life with, but like all things I guess I will get used to it.

Rivers of Tears

Today it rained rivers, from my eyes. Everywhere I went, everywhere I looked, Don was there, or at least a part of things. Going shopping is torture, I cry all the way through. Eddie has been asking for Daddy all day and the tears start again. All I can tell him is that he's gone.
Finances are ifffy, and slow in coming. I buy enough food for a couple of days for us, and neither of us eat much. My weight is a concern, down to 118 from 142.
I want him back, God, but I know you can't do that. I don't know how to live like this. We are alone all the time, with no human contact, so I can cry all the time without making anyone feel bad. I wish time would speed up a bit and the pain in my heart would lessen.
My heart poured out for the day.

Day by day....day 27

Doesn't seem like much, does it? But in those 27 days most friends and family have disappeared. No phone ringing, no knock on the door. I guess the time for grieving has gotten much shorter than it used to be. No one asking if we need anything anymore, I have to call and ask for help, and I am a proud person.
The man of the house is now me. The thousands of things that Don did around the house now fall to me. The evenings are terrible, lonely and empty. I try not to cry in front of Eddie, it upsets him so much he can't sleep. I do get a few emails from cousins, and that's great. But what I need, what  Eddie needs is company, a physical body sitting here and talking about nothing at all, just a voice.
This is going to be a long, hard Winter.

Don's story

Will things ever get better? Yes, of course it will, but it will never go away. The pain and loss will fade, and maybe we can build some sort of a life alone. For right now the wound is still open and bleeding.
We had 20 months from the first diagnosis. Every day Don would lose some function. First it was his breathing, having problems catching his breath. He couldn't lie down without the croupy cough, and then the pain in his lung would come. After chemo, radiation, more chemo and more radiation, batteries of tests we found out that the cancer had spread to his liver, renal tube and brain, and that the primary tumor in his lung had grown.
One day at a time he lost his life. He was terrified and depressed. His hair and beard fell out, his hearing got much worse and his eyesight also. He could no longer cut grass, lay on the floor with his puppy, climb the stairs. He was brave and determined to go on, and he did as long as he could. The last month he couldn't walk due to the swelling and infection in his feet, and went to the hospital with cellulitis. His mind began to deteriorate. He came home and Hospice came in with a hospital bed, commode, table and oxygen. He wouldn't stay in bed but would sit at the table all night in a wheelchair. Finally I couldn't take care of a man that weighed twice what I did and he went to Hospice House for a 5 day period to give me a rest. On the 6th day he passed away, quietly and with no pain, with me holding his hand and telling him I loved him. The love of my life was gone.
I made the mistake of looking at pictures of him tonight and the tears, loneliness and depression hit me hard. I am not ready for some things. He was half my life. It's too quiet here, his conversation and companionship are gone.
I hope he has his wings now. He earned them, he was a kind and honorable man, a good husband and father. He was soft-hearted toward our pets and considerate of me. He was Mr. Fun for Eddie, something I can't be right now.
Rest in God's arms now, my only love. And look in on us from time to time.

Some better?

I guess time is the only healer for losing someone you loved so much. Things are a bit better today, but still don't want to leave the house. Still keeping the blinds closed and the tv on loud. Eddie is still mourning and was up half the night.
Headaches are still with me but I don't cry unless I talk about Don. Time. Lots of time, and re-learning how to live alone.

November 21

I am so sorry if I offended my friends, I certainly didn't mean to. I guess I don't really need a housemate, we are doing fine alone, and friends do call or email often. We are doing ok just the two of us.
Today is our 27th anniversary, and I don't know if I will go to the cemetery or not, it doesn't mean what it did before Mom died on that day in 2003. A quiet day, maybe for both of us. Keeping busy, thinking of our Don, remembering his love and sacrifices for us. He was a great and honorable  man, and anyone who knew him knew that they could depend on him anytime, day or night. And cry, of course, it's part of the healing.
So a quiet day, lounging, watching movies and maybe some company later.

Day 19

Still crying, still missing the most important man in my life. Lonely here, even with all the furry activity. Friends and family seem to think I should be ok now, and they don't need to call or visit, so we are alone now. I don't want to appear needy, so I don't call many friends, and when I do I cry. Lots of things to learn to do on my own. Everyone is worried about me eating, I just don't want to. Eddie is fine, eating but depressed and confused and angry at me. I have to make lists to get things done, and even then I don't always get them done. House is a mess. Bad dreams every night. I think I need someone to stay with me for a while, someone that won't cause extra work and be uderstanding. Don't know anyone like that.
Our 27th anniversary will be in 2 days. Going to be a hard, hard day. I miss my partner, my friend, my love. Time, please pass quickly.

Another day, more tears

I guess it's too soon for me to go out among the masses. I took Eddie to Wal-Mart today and I was doing ok until I ran into my sister and her husband and family. And I broke down without even talking to them and cried all the way to checkouts.
I had an offer for counseling and group therapy today and I'm not ready for that, either. I just want to hole up in the house alone with my son and my dogs, not talk on the  phone much and sleep. Eddie is ok with watching tv while I rest, we are only 6 feet apart.
I guess Amber is my sunshine in a dark world right now. Must be hard on her too, she loved him. I cannot believe the flood of cards that have come in. Don would be so thrilled to know how many people considered him a friend.
Bad day, again, and more tomorrow.

2 Weeks

And I still miss my Don, and so does Eddie, he's so quiet. Each day is one iota different, either I cry all day or take care of chores. Antidepressants not antidepressing. I sleep a lot, fitfully. Thankfully the weather has held out so far. Lonely and in pain. Lots of cards from many people but I can't read them yet. Bills coming in, no money coming and that will take weeks. Paperwork. Appointments. This is not something I planned on, but I guess you never do. He was such a REAL person, kind, funny, loving and considerate. No one on earth could ever take his place. I miss him with every breath.

Agorophobia

I guess I don't have as much strength as everyone thought. If I'm not sleeping I'm crying. Memories start to seep in unbidden. The house is empty and quiet, yet filled with sadness and loss.
Poor Eddie needs to get out, and I don't want to even go outside. Just stay holed up in a dark house, all the blinds and curtains close and the tv up loud to fill the empty air.
I am trying to gain some weight, also. I let myself get sick and now am too weak to get over it.
The dogs are having a hard time adjusting as well. Not that they don't love me, they loved him more. He was their playmate, and dogs love someone that plays with them.
I pray that God gives me more strength to deal with this, but I'm told it may take years. Until then I will go where I have to or delegate.
Bad, sad day. I love you, Don.

Mourning

Mourning is a terrible, lonely thing. Tears, no sleep, and yet I have a son to take care of. Everyone says I'm strong and can do it. I say maybe. All I want is to sleep untilt it's better. Being sick doesn't help. I take good care of Eddie but not so good care of me. Don't want to eat, can't get involved in housework and the house is a mess. What to do with all his things? They depress me sitting here but I can't bear to part with them.
More paperwork this week. More worries, more pain. At least Eddie is happy and well. How long does it take to get over a wonderful man like my Don? I pray God holds me up at least for awhile.

How long can this go on?

The crying, the mourning, the lonliness. I don't want to cook, or eat, or even go out to get the mail. Most days I don't get dressed at all.
Don was laid to rest at his father's knees, in a lovely green/white marbled box on the 10th of November. We miss his joking, his smile, his love of us. How to fill my time now? No one to talk to.
Lucky we have good friends that call and come over sometimes or I would go insane. How can one man affect so many? I am so lost without him.

Empty rooms

The house is so quiet now, without Don. Even though at the last he could no longer walk or stand, he was here. Building a new life will be very hard, and lonely for both Eddie and me. I hope my love rests in the arms of God, and that He continue to give me courage to face the future alone.

Donald Eugene Wade-1950-2011

Rest in Peace, my only love. Your pain is over and your journey has begun. Wait for me.

Prayers for Zach

Our 15 year old great-nephew was severely burned and required skin grafts. He's home now but in a lot of pain. Please say a prayer for him!

Thanks, Michelle

I tried to post on your blog and couldn't, thanks so much for the birthday wish. Not the best one I have had, but I appreciate all the good wishes. Just wish it didn't come with getting older!

Not the best birthday...

Today I turned 63. We had a small gathering at Ryan's with good friends, but the shadow of my dearest Sorscha's death hung over me all day, and still does. My bedroom is so empty without her there.
Thanks to all that were there for me, I love you dearly.

Sorscha is at peace

Our beloved and sweet Sorscha passed away from lymphoma this afternoon. I can't say how much it hurts.

Virginia's birthday!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MRS. PREW!!!